Ghosts, self value, and freeing myself

I stumbled my way into photography over a decade ago. After about a year of taking jobs I decided there might actually be something to this photo thing and maybe I should learn a thing or two about being a photographer. So I started seeking out education, first with books then online. This is how I found Sue Bryce. 

I dove into all the courses. There was something magnetic about it. At that point I had spent almost a decade in college - first undergrad then two masters degrees- and I was being taught things that I never encountered in school. I was being introduced to a world of women, artists and business owners that literally put me in awe of their power and confidence. 

It rocked my world. At this point I had been working as a photographer for several years and was facing severe burnout and exhaustion. My self value had dipped so low. Honestly seeing the stark comparison of where they were and where I was at the time was so overwhelming it made me sick. I now knew the way to having what I wanted but it seemed so impossible. But there was no going back now. There could be no other way. 

So I quit. For those of you who remember me randomly launching a bath product business, Flora Lux, this was my avoidance from working on myself. It seemed roughly 1000x easier to me to start and build an entire new business than face working on myself. And honestly it was. But I knew I was avoiding what I really needed to do. 

In 2017 I decided it was time. I started digging. I started climbing. It was brutal. From the outside I'm sure it looked different but on the inside every day, every shoot was an internal battle. Me and against me. And I am not an easy opponent. I kept chipping away at old habits, beliefs and stories until I cracked myself open enough to see a ray of light. This is the Work that I continue to do today. 

Last year I knew it was time to step up to the next level again. I sent my intention out into the universe and what followed was a beautifully poetic series of events. I became interested in people who had been through a profound transformative experience. I photographed and interviewed them. This was the Phoenix Project. At the same time I also started my first 1:1 coaching and joined a group mastermind of amazing women. It culminated in a retreat in Phoenix, Arizona. 

This was not my first choice. I had a MAJOR panic attack even thinking about being on a plane. But I made the commitment and although it felt like I was voluntarily walking off a cliff, I did it. I learned I'm still that tough opponent because I went toe to toe with my fear and won. 

Then came The Portrait Masters Conference. An event I had watched for years online wishing, dreaming that I could attend one day. This year I had the means to attend. This meant I had to get back on that plane and face those fears again. And again it meant flying to Phoenix, Arizona.

There I had an incredible shift. I felt like Dorothy finally doing all the shit she had to do to get her hands on those ruby slippers only to be told she had the power all along. I dove into this education long ago because I feared my ability as a photographer was not good enough. Only to see some of the most incredible photographers in the world teach things on stage that I was doing in the beginning. They taught how to see differently. Something that I thought made me not good enough, is actually one of my superpowers. It was never really skill that I lacked, just self value. 

I returned feeling on fire cause I knew, down in my bones, that this was the end of that chapter and I am beginning something new. 

Then came an invite to a small workshop from Sue Bryce herself. The subject of this workshop was self value. And for the third time I got on a plane and flew to Phoenix. This time to meet my O.G mentor in person. 

It was a surreal feeling walking into the studio that I've seen a thousand times online. That same group of people that I was in awe with for years? I was now sitting among them. If that's not a testament to what you can do when you decide to work on yourself, I don't know what is.  Honestly, I'm still processing how incredible that feels. 

This week I was exposed to a whole new level, understanding how to transform feelings of abandonment, betrayal and shame into acceptance, loyalty and honor. These are ghosts that affect us all. I feel a level of peace and honor in myself and for myself that I don't think I've ever felt. 

I'm incredibly honored and grateful to be walking this path. My calling wasn't to be just a photographer. My calling was to free myself so that I can free others. It's so that I can jump down in those dark pits with people who feel they have no escape and say "hey friend, I've been here before and I know the way out." 

Because that's what we all really need. To know it's safe to be who we are. To know how to love and honor ourselves so we can love and honor the world around us.  To know how to heal our wounds so we don't hurt the ones we love. To know how to believe in ourselves so that we can walk towards whatever it is that calls us. 

If this speaks to you and you would like to know more about how to work with me as a coach or to stay in the loop on what's coming up for 2023 please reach out to me.